I am changing...

"I am changing, trying every way I can.  I am changing, I'll be better than I am.  I am trying, to find a way to understand.  But I need you, I need you, I need a hand.  I am changing, seeing everything's okay.  I am changing, I'm gonna start right now, right here.  I'm hoping, to work it out, and I know that I can.  But I need you, I need a hand..."

Well, this is my first entry in a very long time.  I'm not sure why I suddenly felt like writing here again, but here goes.

Life has been crazy, to say the least.  Life changes and moves in the most unexpected ways, and carries you to places you may have neve originally pictured or imagined.  This weekend just showed me that.  Lately I've been feeling really out of touch and isolated.  I just don't fit the way that I used to...and I don't like the person who I am some days.  I know I'm stressed, and that things are constantly moving around me, but I guess today just put me in touch with my past, and it opened up a lot of relevations for me.

There are people who get me in a way that I hadn't expected.  I'm not saying that I want to go back to the past, but I'm learning a lot of things about myself.  There are days that I'm just going through the motions, and don't feel like I really fit in my surroundings.  I got a chance to go down memory lane, and pick up some of the pieces and sort some things out that hadn't been settled.  Past friendships, where people are now, and it's not just that these people are my past, but they helped to sculpt the person that I am today.  And I find that I like the person that I am when I'm with them.  I feel more in touch with myself when I'm surrounded with them.  It's like I'm being stretche dout between different worlds, and I am a part of all of them in different ways.  But it's interesting to see how some things translate from one to another.

I feel like I now understand why some things ended up the way they are, and some things I thought I understood or believed to be dead are not.  I learned that what something seems doesn't mean that it's always going to stay that way.  I think it's interesting how some things fit together in surprising ways.  Having my present / future mesh with the past.  And I realize that I like the person that I am when I'm in this surrounding.  Maybe it's not what everyone would choose or see as "ideal", but it makes sense to me.  I'm not "retreating" to this because I'm scared of the future, but I think that it's important for my future to respect, understand, and be a part of what made me. 

Though there are still some wounds that continue to open up, and some things that aren't compeltely settled, I feel like I am a step closer to understanding, and I think that this understanding is important.  I think that only through closing certain things up can I truly move forward.  I know that my life has been craving a change, I've been wanting something fresh.  And strangely, it's my past that seems the most real, the most fresh and complete. Yes, things have changed, but I still fit there in a way that I don't seem to always fit the life that is around me.

Okay...so I have updated in twenty million years. OOPS.  Really nothing overly exciting to report.  Life is life.  Crazy, hectic, draining and dramatic.  LoL.  As always, I'm stressed, but I'm chugging along and doing the best I can to enjoy every moment. :)

Currently Reading The Other Boleyn Girl By Philippa Gregory see related

Okay, so I haven't updated in a ridiculously long time.  Sorry. LoL.

Life has been going pretty well.  Mike and I are doing well for the most-part, we've been together for over a year and a half now.  Scary, I know.  He's currently in Chicago on a Model U.N. conference, and I'll admit that I'm missing him already.

I just completed working on my 10th show at Mount, "Absent Friends"...I was on costume crew.  Monday I'm (hopefully) being initiated into Alpha Psi, the theatre fraternity. :: keeps fingers crossed ::

School is going well.  It's rushing by.  I can't believe that we're coming up to final exam time ALREADY!  Wednesday I go home for Thanksgiving Break, and will get to see my parents, the kitty (YAY) and my brother Colin.  It'll be nice to go home, relax a bit, see family, and eat some good food.

It's a gray old day outside, and I can feel loneliness starting to creep in a little bit.  I have stuff to do, but for right now I'm just enjoying being lazy. 

My brother Chris re-married last weekend, and my parents are returning from California today, after visiting my brother, his new wife, and my nephew and niece.  Hopefully their flight goes well.  I'm sure that it will, but I get nervous when people I love are flying as it is.  Ah well.

Nothing too exciting going on otherwise.  Just the usual: lots of work, socializing when I can, spending time with Mike, and occasionally collapsing onto my futon to watch a movie and do some knitting...my stress relief.  I'm working on a scarf for Mike, which I hope to have done by Christmas.  My plan is to embroider his Greek letters on it when I'm done. :)

And...my little fangirliness of the day:
http://movies.aol.com/movie/the-other-boleyn-girl/26713/video/trailer-no-1/2023586
Philippa Gregory's novel, "The Other Boleyn Girl" is being made into a movie!  She's my favorite author, and I LOVE this book.  I'm not so sure about the movie, though.  It looks like they took a lot of rights with it.  Eric Bana is one of the LAST actors I would have ever chosen to play Henry VIII, and Scarlett Johanson playing Mary Boleyn?  Mary is 15 during the book!  Natalie Portman plays Anne Boleyn...and it honeslty looks like the movie is going to focus on Anne...and just sort of put Mary as a footnote. GRARG!  I really hate it when they fuck with books to make a good movie, and pull in random big named stars in to play something.  They should be doing this RIGHT!!  But, I'm going to be a fangirl and go and see it opening night, and squeel like a fangirl....but I can still have my resorvations.

Hmmm...in other news I think my newest fish, Pollo is sick.  So he's on medication and under close watch, atm.  It seems very strange to me that this semester is almost over.  I honestly can't believe it.  I'm not ready to be done with college.  There's still so much I want to learn, and figure out, and experience. Yes, I'm only a junior...but I'm still scared.  I just know it'll e over so quickly...so I'm doing my best to savor every moment.
Every laugh with my girlfriends, ever little moment I get to snuggle up with Mike, and those crazy, silly college memories which hopefully always last.  I don't think I'm ready for the real world, yet.  I'd much rather just live a little bit longer.  I want to travel so badly, but I know I don't have the money to do so.  And I'd love to go and do all of these exciting things, but I don't know how.  Oh well.  I'll just have to push myself through, and hope for the best. :)

Currently Watching Sense & Sensibility (Special Edition) By James Fleet, Tom Wilkinson, Harriet Walter, Kate Winslet, Emma Thompson see related

Sorry for the long lapse between entries. 

I'm back at Mount.  I've been here for two weeks, today.  Band camp was very rainy, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.
I like my classes so far, and I'm determined to make this a great year.  Academically, personally, and socially.  So, I've been working hard, been getting everything on the right track, and I've had a great few weekends, too.
Last weekend I went to the Cleveland Zoo with Mike.  We saw "Becoming Jane" on Friday.  Then on my birthday (yes, I'm 20 now) I had a nice picnic with him, and then went and hung out with the girls and some friends and just had a casual movie night.  Since classes started the next day we decided to be good, and I'm very appreciative to everyone who came and wished me a happy birthday. :)
Classes will be interested, but I think I can handle all of it.  I didn't make into either of the shows.  This just means I'll definitely have more time for homework and such.
Today is the first football game of the season here at Mount.  We have BRAND NEW UNIFORMS!! SEXY!!  I really like them, though they're slightly stiff and hot. 
After the football game I'm going home to see Dad.  He's been alone for two weeks, and Mom won't be home for at least another week.

PINCH PUNCH, FIRST OF THE MONTH!  So...my grandmother is starting to ove today.  They close the house on the 6th, I think.  So, stuff is being moved out, etc into the new apartment.  Gramma's exhausted by the sounds of it.  Mom's ready to come home.  And I think we're all a little sad to know that that house is no longer her home.  But, all things change, and so must we.

Sunday I'm coming back to campus.  Mike is at Cedar Point working this weekend.  He had to shave off his beard...I have lots of pictures of him on Facebook.  He looks the way I remember him when we first started dating over a year ago.  (Actually, it's a year ago today that he was officially IN Germany).  I'd much rather have him be in Cedar Point, than Germany, that's for sure.  :)

Last night we had a girl's night.  Kathie, Jen, Steph and I hopped in my car, went to Canton, had a nice dinner and saw a movie.  Yum, Mexican food.  We saw "Stardust" that was VERY good.  Very cute.  Very funny.  A little kid-ish in parts, but fabulous none-the-less.

Monday we're going to the Great Geauga County Fair...my home town's big event of the year.  I think Jen, Steph, Kathie and Mike are all coming.  So it will be a cozy fit.  But, hopefully it will be a lot of fun.  I'm very excited about the whole thing.

Well, must go now...I have to get in the shower...we have to be at Cope in less than an hour.  LET'S GO RAIDERS!

I'M BACK TO MOUNT ON SATURDAY!! HUZZAH!! SO EXCITED!!

I went to NJ and visited some family this weekend.  I got to see my Uncle and two of my cousins.  It was really nice.  AND we got to go and see the King Tut exhibit which ewas amazing. We got to see the sarcophogus (no mummies, thank god!  I can't stand them...they freak me out so badly) but the stuff we DID see was massively impressive and really memorble.  I'm really glad we got to go, and I enjoyed the time with family.

We're back in PA now.  I start moving in on Friday.  I can't wait to be back with everybody.  And to see McMaster.  I get to have my birthday there, too...the day before classes start.  My Mom will be up in Canada for easily three weeks helping my Grandmother move...I worry about my Mom staying sane, and my Grandmother not overworking and overstressing herself.